sam_dance

Have gone through quite a bit of turbulence recently.

Work problems - school kinda sucky, due to management issue. The more my colleagues and I see them, the more frustrated and irritated we get. Besides the issue of being stingy, it is getting worse and worse, screwed up environment, how can the kids study in this place? Good thing I have my good colleagues!

My students are okay, cute yet mischievious, as usual. Wanna ask them for my 21st birthday party but am worried. Lotsa factors to consider. However, did a bbq party for them 2 weeks ago. Hmm, they had fun. And all thanks to 2 macho men who helped ferry my students here and there, credit goes to them, Mr Keane (my dearest baby cum the white gorgor) and David bear(brown gorgor). Hehe.. Thanks thanks.
Transferred some extremely naughty students to another class, couldn't take it anymore. Sigh. My good students are leaving one by one, I'm pretty bothered by this upset news, I'll probably change school to teach too.

School (Uni) - Heavy workload I have. Fainting, test and assignments and exams. All deadlines are so near to one another. I cannot catch my breath. Lucky thing- I have good classmates.

Relationship - Not exactly too many problems between my bf and I, but we have too many problems occurring which are beyond our control. Like my bf said, " Walls have ears". That makes life for both of us sort of annoyed and troubled. What can we do? I don't know.

I don't wish for anymore arguments, just pray for everyday peace, harmony, good health and blissful relationship among all of the people I know. Gonna study for my test already, AGAIN! And start preparing for my 21st birthday party.

Had been mugging for yesterday's Workplace law test. Took Thurs and Fri off just to rush the chapters. This is called super shag.

1 test is down, 2 assignments are due this week. Pretty stress up. Followed by last test before exams the following week. I'm going crazy real soon.

I wanna buy time!!!

Although I was off for 2 days, it seemed as if I took a month off. I miss my students like crazy. I believe my students too, and I'm sure they'll say, "teacher, where have you been? We miss you!" (as usual when I take leave)

I miss them too!! Sigh.. will be back on Mon.

Before I took leave on wed, we had our halloween party in advance. I made my students wear black or white only.hehe. Then put powder on their faces to make them look like some horrified "GHOSTS" or "VAMPIRES". Haha, one of my students bought the vampire teeth. SO CUTE! hehe.
The teachers dressed up too. I wore gothic while Valarie wore her cat suit.Hehe. We had movie on that day. Hehe. Hmm, was surprised that one of my mischievious students had gradually changed to become one mannered boy.

 

Now if I buy the class candies, snacks, tidbits, etc, he would thank me compared to the past. Hmm.
However, there are still the mischievious ones in my class!  ARGHH!!

Had to relieve ballet for one teacher yesterday, super shag. Have longed been to ballet, now my body is aching. I know what Singaporean students look like now, one word - "NIGHTMARE"

My bf was nice and patient enough to wait for my class to end. =) Thank you.
And we had a sumptuous dinner together. Whenever he's here, I kinda feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel although arguments are unavoidable at times. =)

Have been long since I ever last updated.

Big issues have been cropping up since then. Celebrated my dad's 50th birthday on 5th Sep.
Many came. surprisingly with many whom we have not seen for ages turned up too.

Hmm, had big preparations before that day. My whole family conspired to trick my dad into this SURPRISE birthday party. He didn't know about it, but was dressed for that occasion. He turned up, shocked, surprised, etc, to see 7 tables full of people attended his party which was carefully set up by my mum and I.
HEHEHE.....

My friends and "SOMEONE" turned up too. haha.. He sat beside me, AS MY FRIEND, THE OTHER TIME!!
Haha..We had fun games and I managed to give a speech to all, though I was shaking. Had to show some stupid dance moves, to make the players copy my steps. LOL.. WOW. didn't know Shuxian can dance. LOL.
Was also shocked that this cheeky guy of mine could drink so well. LOL.
Jesslyn has great stamina? to say, "UNCLE SIMON, HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" for about 30++ seconds. Haha. not bad babe.

Followed on, we went CLUBBING!!! ????? SAM's in CLUB?!! Oh my. Hmm. They kinda dragged me along, so tagged along. Pros and cons that I followed.
Something major happened that night. GOSh! SX,Jess,David,Mr. CHeeky K and I went together, straight after my dad's birthday, with my $200++ BEBE dress? God Damn It!  Hmm, then we drank quite a bit. I lost the games quite a bit too. CMI. After a while, couldn't take it. Had to rest, head was really spinning hard! So, the girls and David went to collect their bags.. Yeah. So something then happened, won't provide details for this. HEHE.

After SX and I threw up, the 3 of them were in a cab home, Mr CHeeky and I were in a cab, he sent me home. SO...........yeah, another part whereby the exact details will not be divulged. LOL.

The next day, flew off to Bangkok with my family. Was pretty pissed off before I left for Bangkok, due to issues with regards to Mr. Faithful Player. Haha
Had some pretty big arguments in Bangkok with family too. Was resolved when was back.

Although was pretty pissed off with Mr. Faithful Player, everything wasn't the same anymore when I was back to Singapore. AFter that, he did ask me out, and then introduced me to his friend, Mr. David Bear. SUper nice guy. Hehe. So after that, all 6 of us became a clique, SX, Bear, Jess, David, Mr Cheeky and I, went out often.

I don't know how..after many times of outings, Mr Cheeky / Mr Faithful Player And I  became a couple. lol.
Yeah. Hahahahahaha.. Seriously, I think my dad's birthday was the stepping stone to the major change.Hahaha.

Anyway, we're together for more than a month already. Don't get to see him often as he is still in his NS life, but have to withstand the pain of not being able to see him in those days, especially his weekdays.  =(
But he would try to come out of camp in some possible days to meet me.  Hehe.

Back to my work life, have been taxing, was awarded as the merit teacher. Loves my students though my class has been combined with other students already. Now i Have about 18 kids. Lol. CUTE yet mischievious kids. Nice to play with but when they don't behave themselves, that's it. Blood will start to boil. Miss them already, many of them have took the government exam, will be leaving very soon. I cannot imagine my good students leaving me. My 1st batch and quite a few good ones in there. I'm afraid I cannot control my tears. I believe my students too. Cause I've always cultivate the habit of telling my students I love and miss them. Haha. Whenever they don't see me for a day, they'll ask me why I'm not here, they miss me, etc..

Haha, that's one of the aspects that I love my students the most. I don't wish to see them leave me. SIGH.
Had arranged a farewell party for my students in nov, with other colleagues too. SUper nice colleagues I have in work, pretty lucky that no teachers play politics over there. Good environment to work in.
Told my students that we'll play halloween next week. LOL. They were so happy. haha.

Other than my work, my school life has been too stressed up, exams, exams, assignments, and assignments. Never ending. damn it. Worst of all, 2 of my modules are LAW modules. Oh my. Also, the slut (J) and her bf (the freeloader), which used to be in my group for the last sem, are in my friday's class. How unfortunate can I get. luckily they're no longer in my group, or else the project will probably fail because of that 2 fellows, useless freaks. Good thing was Adrian is our lecturer,haha funny cute lecturer. Although wed's lecturer aren't that efficient, he's lenient towards marking, which was good in a way.

Test's next week, gotta go study already. Project's deadline's around the corner too. Tight schedule. Good luck, and all the best!  =D

Kinda busy with my own exams, mugging and working like shit. HATE EXAMS, especially degree exams are NOT a piece of cake.

Finally after my exams, I have to bother about my students' exams. OH my, I've been worrying for quite a while then. They had their oral on Monday, their paper 1 and 2 on Tuesday. Luckily, my tips regarding oral did pay off for some students, obviously the obedient ones because they applied whatever I've taught them, scored pretty well. Not bad.

The daydreamers, flunked my paper one and two. Of course, always daydreaming, don't deserve to pass. *SIGH*

Kinda relieved because this was the 1st exam they took, after I've taken over. I've only given them a test before, and only 1 passed. This specific exam which was set by myself was rather tough, they were complaining, but good, most of them improved!!

 More than half of the class pass their exams. Hmm, good! 2 almost scored their As.

Yesterday, we were having a party as we watched the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" in class, then we ordered pizza for our students, my class combined with my colleague's class. Played games too, hmm, they had great fun. Good to see them like this.   =D

Brought 3 students out for a movie, as they have been bugging me to watch UP with them. So I brought them to bugis cinema to watch due to the early time slot as I have my wisdom teeth operation at 4pm.
Yeap, cute students. they loved the movie. Others were like staring at me, thinking they might be my kids. Haha.

Kinda guilty not sending them home, was worrying about them on my way for operation. I gotta rush as it was near 4. So I told them how to take MRT home but they replied, "teacher, we know how to go home".
Expected as they take MRT home everyday, so wasn't that bad. Reminded them to call me when they've reached home and they were very obedient. Once they reached, the quickly gave me a call. =)
Kept reminding them to ask any uncles or aunties for direction if they are lost. Hmm..bringing them out is not easy too huh.. haha

One of my students was really sweet though. Gave me a present yesterday, was surprised, Teachers' Day gift? She didn't mention but she did it all by herself, 1 cute little spongy toystand. =D

Perhaps it was some kind of encouragement as they knew I was going for my op. =D

By the time I reached the clinic, I was so freaked out. My dad brought me there and I waited.

I had to extract like 4 Wisdom teeth at one go!!!! WTH. Previously, I took my X-ray and doc told my dad that I gotta extract all 4 because it'll affect my bracing. I, myself was shocked too, I only knew that I had 1 popping out. so the other 3 were hidden!!
1 extracted, 3 operated!!  =(
The doc mentioned the other time was that I had to extract all 4, so he recommended my dad to put me to sleep, so that I would not feel the pain during the process which was on sedation.
Then my dad agreed because there's a bit to go through during that 2 hours of process.
But guess what, it costs like $5K for this stupid op because my doc needs to bring in another specialist just to put me on sedation. It's not the job of my doc. So the conversation/joke between my doc and my dad went like this,

Doc: "Don't worry, she won't feel any pain if she's on sedation but she cannot remember anything at all after that once she's is being put to sleep."

Dad: "Huh, she cannot remember anything AT ALL?"

Doc: "Oh no no, not everything. Just the process not everything in her whole lifetime."

Dad: "Oh, you scare me, I thought everything in her lifetime, then like this, she'll forget me too".

I was laughing my ass off in the clinic. LOL. My doc then assure me that I will remember whatever I've studied and my students too. LOL.

But I thought again, it might be a good thing though, so I can erase all my sad memories, start a total new life again! Wow. 1 on 1 exchange, that's kinda great though. Hmm, currently no one can do that yet. Why not, a good exchange.

So yesterday, the moment I stepped into the ops room. My doctor explained everything to me but he didn't tell me that I would be injected!!!!!!!!!!! I'm totally freaked out by needles!!!!!!
All he told me before was that the specialist will apply something onto my hand and I'll go to sleep, which made me feel at ease.

When I saw that darn Needle which the specialist was holding onto, I was TOTALLY SPEECHLESS and my mouth was OPENED DARN WIDE! DAMN!!! Oh my, and the worst of all, it was injected into my wrist when he could find my nerve, the most sensitive and painful area. I almost cried out already. THe only thing he said made me felt relieved was he would be there all the while to check my heart rate and my breathing so not to be afraid.

Then, he just left the needle in there like this. Inserting more liquid in. It started to feel a prick at 1st when the liquid was in, then it became painful. I told the darn specialist and then he replied, "Oh, really?" However, he just continued with his own Damn business. WTH!!!

I was still talking to the nurse and the next moment I was knocked out, like the kind of immediate blackout. You really don't know what's going on at all. I don't even know that the effect was on already.

After that, I seriously don't know anything about it. From what I heard from my mum was that after the whole op, my doc woke me up but he couldn't manage to do it because I couldn't wake up, so he quickly called my dad to bring me home.
I think I heard someone calling me but I just couldn't wake up. Then the next moment, I felt someone pulling and carrying me, I think 2. I can't see, I'm barely walking. But I know one of them is definitely my dad, from my senses. I don't know who the other was, because my mum was working, could not be her.

Then after that, I felt that I was in a car, senses again. I don't know how they managed to put me in, probably dragging me. The next minute I know, i was being pulled and dragged again, this time round I think I heard my mum's voice but my eyes could still NOT be opened. I don't know why. So I assumed it was my mum, but again, I don't know who the other person was because I don't hear my dad. All the conversations were not clear at all, just some kind of bees' buzzling sound.

I was being held on to, I could not see nor talk. I could only feel a bit, based on senses. That's bad, didn't know the sedation effect was this strong. The last thing I know was that I was on my bed already, so I continued to sleep, till the sedation effect was all gone. My mum said my face was totally swollen, and had to bite on to the cotton paddings. Could not feel anything.

When I woke up, I was still very giddy, I could not stand nor walk properly, so my mum and maid had to help me to the living room. Wasn't feeling right at all, everything was so bad. Could not talk at all, my jaw and my mouth were all numb, no feeling. My mum kept asking me questions, hoping I'm fine, because I was so pale. I went to the toilet to check what was going on in my mouth, all I see was blood, darn! It's really HELL LOT of blood. I can't even see white.

My mum took out the BLOODY cotton paddings and gave me a pail. I gargle my mouth by sipping as I could not feel myself drinking at all. Whenever I sip, the water kept spilling out. Yes, the word is SPILLING, not dripping. LARGE AMOUNT of it. I couldn't seem to force water into my mouth at all. But I managed to sip after many tries, then spat a little blood out, at least. Couldn't drink, too numb, I couldn't even taste water. Everything came out. I was so hungry as I couldn't eat 8 hrs before the op, and then by the time I woke up it's already near 10pm, DARN!
I couldn't eat either.

DARN, hate the feeling. When I started forcing myself to drink, the pain came. Imagine, I had LOTS of medicine to take, darn! Worst still, all HUGE tablets. How can I even swallow? I tried, couldn't make it and eventually my parents smashed the tablets into powder form. That made my life slightly easier!

Couldn't bathe, just managed to clean my body with wet towel, too giddy to do that, may faint any moment. Then went to sleep pretty early, like before 11. DIdn't manage to eat though I was freaking hungry. No choice, just went to sleep. Woke up like 3am just now to blog, couldn't sleep. The numbness went off, but the pain is here. Couldn't sleep sideways, both sides of my jaws were painful so gotta sleep facing the ceiling. DARN!

The fortunate thing was that I took painkillers before I slept so it wasn't that bad compared to not taking although I can feel the pain now. Anyways, hmm, giddiness is not as bad as before. Am going back to sleep already. Hmm, well, I took leave so I could rest more, don't think I can even teach if I'm going. But for now, I cannot talk and eat and also not close my mouth, hate this.

So think twice before you go for your wisdom tooth/teeth ops. Haha.

Hi all,

have not been updating my journal.

Am too busy with work life and studies. Rushing assignments and projects all the way.

Found a new job in the education industry, have been teaching in an International school for a month or so.

Pretty fun, love teaching, but taking away the moments that my students irritate me.
*Sigh*

Have been shouting and scolding recently, students probably got used to me, not afraid of me anymore.
Have been trying to use all sorts of punishments too. *SIGH*

However, there are good ones too.  =)

You would probably be laughing, I'm teaching English for primary levels.

Haha. Gotta do lots of preparation. Teaching is definitely not easy, and now I can understand the pain my teachers went through back then. =(
Setting examination questions and papers are part of the job too. Argh.. not easy task.

That's my job scope. Loads to do. Never can end. Not much politics though, lucky thing. Just that school's a little stingy.  *SIGH*

Am taking my exams on Monday, have been focusing on my students' exams more than mine.

Before this, 2 tragedies happened. Both of them had unfortunately passed away, MJ and my aunt.
Went back to KL for my aunt's funeral, heart breaking. Died really young.

Coincidentally, 2 weeks after MJ died, who was another person I admired lots previously, my aunt went home to the Lord.
Both of them were of the same age, 51. Very young huh?

The good thing was that my aunt was a christian, so there weren't any moaning kind of funeral that was similar to the buddhism or taoism. Looking at it positively, our Lord brought her home early so that she would not have to suffer the pain down here, probably went to look for MJ too.
Anyway, R.I.P to both, they are in good hands under our Lord. =)
You'll be remembered forever in our hearts, dear Aunt Esther and MJ.
 

All the best to my exams and to my students too! Love them loads.   =D

Yeap, have longed been updating my journal.

Reason being time committed to do my school stuff and work initially..

Had actually found a stupid job and I didn't quite like the job scope so resigned, also due to some personal issues..

 

Yes, this period when I didn't update my journal. I was having HELL time out there.

Working and studying at the same time is CHAOS..especially when you don't have time to commit to your assignments.

And have been rushing my consecutive assignments like crazy..so didn't have the time to update as well as my novel.

And seriously, just my personal affairs can be very time-consuming.. especially to settle some stuff with a JERK!

Currently, I've found out a new focus to distract myself..but it's closely linked with that JERK..

I don't know if I can hang on till forever.

And yes, great, J*M, you've did it..my love for you has turned to total HATRED right now..thanks to you.

I've learnt to control myself.. YOUUUU...don't bother about "him" and I..leave us alone..

JUST remember to PAY for everything..after the exact one..you'll leave us alone..
The rest is of my business.. I'm gonna take care of the rest.. (if there's hope)

Go Fk marry your bella..i don't need your Fk responsibility here..because you don't want to either..

OUR businesses has nothing to do with you anymore! You're not going to meddle with our businesses..
So, dont force me to the extreme. This I warn you first, SUCKER! Beware of what cha going to do.

And fk please, your sales has totally nothing to do with US, alright! Stop all your fking loser attitude and behaviour by pushing all the fault to both of us alright! Once more, if you're trying to hurt us..I'm seriously not going to let you go..you won't want to mess around with me.

Don't ever underestimate what a girl can do.

Now, anything that can hurt "him", I'll go all my way to protect it..no matter what.

What has the current world changed into?

Some times, I really agree with Armageddon. To stop all human beings from their selfish acts, and to start a new breed of human, hoping that they will be selfless.

Just today alone, GUYS have told me off for no reason.
This guy, because he is SO selfish, expected me to keep all my time for him, and I don't have all my time for him, so he commented negatively..

And another guy, from all out of a sudden..text me to question me if I'm attached now..for chasing me after SO MANY YEARS and that I've never accepted him..he cheated me once before...and expected me to give him some good results for he wanted to know..

Another tuition guy, deemed as my science "tutor", and I don't remember him teaching me when I was in my secondary life, chased me for quite a while..but to no avail...text me online to ask me to be his "FAKE" girlfriend on this coming Saturday..
Reason was because his mates are all bringing their girlfriends to Swissotel, so he wanted me to be his.. I mean come on..why do I want to do this? For no reason, asked me out for dinner and asked if I'm attached, etc.
When I've rejected him, he told me off..
"Don't be cruel to yourself, you seem like doing tasks just to numb certain feelings"

Excuse me, who's hurting who right here? Am I cruel to the guys OR are the guys I've met cruel to me?!
Yea, I don't have the time to commit, this is 1.  I don't want to tie myself down for no reason, this is 2. And 3rdly, if I have a boyfriend, I think I'll have lots of obligations to go over to Perth to study! This is my dream, where nothing can stop me from going.

I've learnt so much, after being cheated for umpteen times. You'll see there's no need to be attached to hinder your progress..
When I've wanted it badly, I didn't have it..so when I've given up..nothing will fall into place already, no matter what..
All thanks to this one guy who "taught" me..you don't have to be attached to hold on to the one you like, or I would rather say, to be selfish to satisfy your needs....

God knows what are you guys doing. We'll see what you're going to get... =)

Took some fantastic photos, which you can never find this product in SIngapore. =)

 

What does this looks like to you? Hmm. 
My uncle bought it for me from Macau, as requested.

   
Have a closer look, what does it says now? It's not that "thing".


  
What's the inside when I take a packet out?


 
This' the exact thing when I take it out from the packet. Does this look like that "thing"? Oh My.. =D


Have the others in other flavours as well, and will post pictures of other such products the next time.  =D

Alright, back to journal entry.
This might be a long entry as well.

Had my Quantitative Methods' exam on last wed. And the lecturer told me that I've scored a HIgh Distinction! WOW.. 2 marks to full!
Yeah, it's not really tough..scared the hell out of me. Thanks for the lecturer's tips.

Projects are on going..kinda stressed up! Especially Human Resource and Organisational Development (HROD)'s individual report! Damn it..it's freaking difficult to source for information and expects us to write 8 pages of NOTHING? Crap..

Dr. Aloy Lee's individual reports' not too bad..but the group project's kinda tough..marketing plan! I'm pretty afraid of the referencing..it's so strict over at Murdoch (Perth)'s side. Once they've found you extracting a sentence from any source without citing it on the citation paper, you're damned for plagarism! Now I've considered TP as a much lenient school.

I seriously don't like the teaching style of my HROD lecturer despite the fact that he is crappy and funny. He threw us in the big ocean, and without any help, he required us to meet his HIGH expectation! Such a broad topic and no hints or tips provided, how are we supposed to do it with the fact that he loves to fail students with 4/30? Damn. =(

Another job interview last friday. Hopefully, I can be shortlisted in a decent firm with a decent job. (*God has planned the route, he knows what to do*)  =)

Went ballet on Sat, and Oh my..bad muscle aches after the class. Felt so good to sweat, have not been sweating for long. As usual, had dinner with my family.

Had church service on Sunday, and went out to catch a cute movie (Monsters VS Aliens)! Darn cute..I love the "jelly-like" character..he's dumb but totally cute! Almost got the 3D version but can you believe it, all four slots were running fast like crazy (This shows that singaporeans have nothing better to do but to catch a movie)  =|
Hanged out in Vivo..and managed to catch the YOYO competition, the final rounds. Wow, it's really amazing as the stunts were impressive, I would say..And this COOL judge...hehe...he's hot and cute...and I think he's pretty good looking..I guessed I was peeping at him most of the time. (*blushed*)

Met the marketing manager from Murdoch (Perth) on Mon, to consult on the fees and other enquiries for moving my modules over to Perth to complete my course. Wow, this is freaking exciting but I'm having some obligations.. Money matters now. Oh..  =(
Then went over to library to do some research, was so tired that I've actually fell asleep. =|
Headed over to town to hang around, viewed some cheap lappies, before heading back to school for Dr. Aloy's lecture..

Had my last minute interview at Tiong Bahru as a teacher in one of the tuition centre yesterday. Probably they might slot me for telemarketing position concurrently with the tutoring job. This case, I might have a lil more income. =)
They called me to arrange another round of interview on Thurs evening, and hopefully, everything goes out well..before I can head straight to project meeting at Tiong Bahru.

And lastly, I know that my readers are getting bored waiting, or impatient with my Chapter 5. I'm really sorry about this. I'm trying my best to squeeze time and inspiration together..but the good news is, I've completed 3/4..will be able to post it on blog in these few days. Thanks for the patience. Love you guys! =D

Hmm, went for 2 job interviews this week..

The first one was looking at a position as a training assistant for financial consultants..and the 2nd one was as a trainer for schools..

For the 2nd one, it's was my 2nd interview as I was shortlisted after the 1st round..so went there to do a presentation..UNPREPARED!!

I was not given anything to prepare and have to do it on the spot..which I was..DID IT!

I asked from God to provide me with the confidence and not to stutter this time round, he answered.. =) Thank god!

This was one of the few times that I don't stutter in my presentations.. and did it pretty well..i thought..probably because I'm familiar on that topic..which was gone through in Poly...the lucky thing that I've paid attention in class! =P

But did a pretty big mistake that was pointed out by the manager.. Overall, I think it's not too bad..

Even if I'm not chosen for this job, it's ok..because I've learnt..and gained.. =)
God has better plans for me.. =D

Went for bridging course for Statistics...2 and half day crash course! and Exam's on this coming Wed..Had a pretty foul mood yesterday..due to the YOUNG lecturer..couldn't understand what he was teaching..situation was so bad that I'd almost broken down..nothing...that I could understand..in his SOPHISTICATED FORMULAS! OMG..deliberately went down to Popular to get O levels' Maths to do probability..DARN!
It's so many topics trying to squeeze into 2 and half days..and didn't manage to comprehend the equations..

Fortunately, I've managed to ask Sihui so she taught me her methods...WOW! I could understand so much better..and thanks to her! =D
Slept pretty late in the morning just to get a clearer view of what I'm going to be tested in exam..
So asked from God again..to give me the energy, concentration and whatever to get myself a CLEAR view of what I'm being taught..
And today..miraculously, I'd managed to understand most of them..and got it right..! =D
Hopefully, the exam questions are as easy as what the lec had taught us!

So, God answered my prayers once again! yes..that's why I believe in him..he loves all of us..to want to be in us..so much so that he wants to protect us as well..Thank you God for the love you've provided. Amen.

I'm much better in my current state..that the view in my affairs for r/s is so much clearer now..i can see everything...
I've decided to forget and to forgive..that everything was put behind me...

He sent me a message the other day online..and he tried to reason it out with me..hoping to get me back on his track..but....
I have my firm stand already..that everything will result in Nothing at all...

All he wants is just me to be with him..until he has found his girl..
But the more I stay close with him, the more hurt we'll result in each other..probably me..
because we know everything is not real..we love, we like, we crush..everything..will just be in vain..!

Should you continue cheating me or yourself? You, clearly know that we can't be together..you've told me that from the start..no matter how much I dearly hope for it to happen?and now you're telling me..who knows?! Are you trying to get back on ya track that's why you said something like this so that I'll believe whatever you've said is true? And then dishearten me again?

You said you love me..sending me a Long text..because you want me back to ya side..is that right?
You just want self-comfort and self-satisfaction, don't you, my dear one? Why? You said it's perspective..but that's the way people see things..
What are you going to defend yourself now? Because you care for me...and love me as a FRIEND, so you don't want me to change? And you want me to continue being ya "LOVE" one..until you've found ya girl..so that she could replace me..to take care of you?
Is this what you want? That's all..right?
So what am I to you in the first place? I'm just a FRIEND of yours...yes..Thanks for loving me as a friend..i appreciated that...
So..friends..will just be friends..and do what FRIENDS do..

But whatever the past is..let it be..because it really doesn't matter anymore..No longer...You'll find ya Bella..as you've wished for...

I'll not believe...not anymore...that I know nothing can..happen....between us....sometimes...when you've broken something..that something can never be mended back to it's original shape again...There aren't many chances in life..that's the reality...

And only God, can do anything to heal me..

It's ok...after days of consultation and brainwashing..or probably would I say it as..listening to God and Jesus..

To listen to God's words has helped a lot..Thanks to this great man (Alvin).. *winks*

You're the angel sent by Jesus to take away my misery and to convey God's message..

Yes! I've seen the light guided by God..I'll follow him..yes! I don't want to fall deep into the hole anymore...That's the end of it..

God loves me, and I believe he'll pull me through this and to not ever let me fall into such traps again. =)

Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't do something to make you learn without experiencing it. That's how you'll learn..

Anyway, I believe in him and he loves me, he'll know it and bless me.

I had a good start because I'm starting to take control of myself..I didn't allow my mind to run wild.

Which means..I've begun to forget about him..that's great..1st step!

I've not contacted him for a few days..GOOD! 2nd step! =P

Everything will fall in place nicely! and eventually, I'll not be bothered by him anymore!  ^_*
 

Have been pretty busy in school works and stuff..still in the process of looking for a job..don't know what's keeping me busy these days too..
Haha....anyway....it's good..so long as I don't remind myself of him...It's ok to be distracted...

And I've graduated from TP! Finally..had attended the graduation ceremony on Tuesday and I'm officially a graduate! =D

God bless and everything will be fine! Amen.

*Sigh*....

I just don't understand! What has me going to church service got to do with you?
And I really really don't understand why so many people detest christians? WHY WHY WHY?!!

It all depends on individuals, isn't it? And you're telling me they're bullshit stuff?

That's your Fking Business..and that doesn't have to do with me! I didn't lie for GOODNESS SAKE! But honestly speaking..
Ask yourself..first...where have you been good either?

You've cheated on me! What else? This major and huge mistake can never be done twice!

You're just a freaking Possessive Asshole trying to control a girl that is no up to your business!! What more can you say?!

It's freaking my life...you wanna lead ya life in misery, it's up to you! Don't try to control me and start telling me nonsense like..you can't always control ya emotions when you're the one who started the powered by dreams NOT emotions!

And you're not following it? Which means you don't practise what you preach! So I'm right?!

And you're trying to own me like you own a territory? NO WAY!!
We're not even together.. YOUR life is yours...MY life is MINE!!

We'll part our own ways for now!! GET RID OF MY LIFE!!

I'm really depressed right now. I'm at a loss. I've done with my crying and all.
Nothing seems to help.

I've heard so much of it..but not much went in..I didn't apply it...which made no sense.

I've so many examples but I'm freaking not using them..Why?!! Mind, heart and soul..could you please listen to others just this time..at least understand that they're trying to help you..why don't you accept others' help? But you chose to believe in him instead?! It's all manipulation!! Enough!! I hereby command that thou shall listen to whatever others are trying to help except him!

I have consultants of mine..trying to help here..
Quotes by my consultants...

"Every females have 2 weaknesses..1 of which is insecurity, the other, emotional. It just depends on the degree of your weaknesses. Guys will make use of them......"

"Always protect yourself first no matter what."

"Looks can be deceiving, havn't I taught you that before?"

"What matters most is what have you really learn and not what you claimed to know to have learnt.."

"You don't  just think of his good points, think of all his points, regardless if they are good or bad, and whether you two will have future or not...."

"Forcefulness will not attain good results.."

"He's just using you, get it into your mind!"

"Guys who don't wan any strings attached is because he's only lusting after you..it's not love..my dear girl! It's lust!!"

"You think for him but he never thinks for you..he's selfish..only wanting to satisfy his own needs..He may not club but he knows he's good enough to attract girls, that's why he's like a pro...."

"You should just get out of his life and carry on with your life..."

 

What should I do now? I'm really at a loss..my head's spinning..he just let me down and disappoint me every now and then...
Honestly..if anyone would take my heart out..

I trust that there'll be lots of holes in it..result being pierced by invisible needles too often..
After so many miserable r/s and mishaps..that these "people" I've met...a new one would just result in a new pain..i hate the feeling..
That's the partial reason I'm going to leave Singapore..I want to start afresh else where..

Back from long rest this week..this is a down week, gosh! My motivation has gone down thoroughly, not been able to concentrate and focus on my novel..everything seems complicated and confused..ruin in my life..damn!

I hate this..i wanna work!! I wanna distract!! oh god, that's when I can stand up from where I've fallen again! =(

Past Tues: settled and printed some tuition assignments for my student for free! I'm a good tutor, where can you find another? Haha..
Went interview at High Achievers for an associate trainer's position..the interview just sucked..3 hours doing written activities all the way in a group..and Q&As in a group as well..it just sucked! The interviewees were excellent and yeah, true enough, I didn't make it though..
Was kinda relieved actually because the director sat inside our interview and evaluated us..she was a "SCARY" woman! you would not want to imagine her..oh god! I was freaked out in the room..gosh!
Went to tutor Justin in the evening..

Wed: Went out with him the whole day..at his place..and...I really don't wanna blog about this day....I don't even wanna think about it.

Thurs: Had an orientation in Murdoch..wow..the vice chancellor is an australian..pretty strict..was a lil amazed by him..but the talk was pretty draggy and i thought was a lil waste of time..

Fri: Went movie with Keane late at night..we talked a lot..he's a really nice guy..he knocked some sense into me..I've got it..roughly..hopefully I can apply it.. *Sigh*

Sat: Drove to tuition in the morning, then picked granny up back home. Had a Mothers' day celebration at the restaurant located at Marina South Pier..damn..Grasshopper was dining in the restaurant at 12am sharp..but I didn't had the chance to wait till then..left earlier..or else..i could have a close look at Chao meng..oh god!! Arghh!

Sun: Going to church later on in the morning..and back home to rest..to prepare my school stuff on Monday..
School's starting on mon onwards! Arghh..and Mon's marketing class is lectured by Aloysius Lee again!! WTH..gotta see him AGAIN!! ARghh..

Anyway, will update again..

Have not update my blog for a week huh... =)

Were slacking around this week..nothing better to do..dangling at home..it's so boring! It's the life when you don't have anything to bother about except $..arghh..

Actually, we were out last sunday again..and something happened once again..that was when we've decided that sunday's our evil and jinx day..LOL..we can't go out on sunday..something bad will happen in the end..after such a lovely and wonderful day together..damn!!

Monday: Went to Murdoch to settle some registration for modules and guess what? School's starting on week of 11 May, that's fast!

Tuesday: Decided for a hair cut, new style and colour. And a different colour from the previous, although the previous colour made me look more like a caucasian or Korean, haha, but this colour wasn't too bad. a little shade of green under the deep dark brown with some highlight of light brownish gold. I deliberately cut the outer back of my hair as short as my chin-length, remained my inside long length. =)
Quite a new style, pretty love it. He said it looked more lady like..most importantly, he said "nice". =D

Wednesday: Went to headhunter company like real early and waited for the interviewer like more than half an hour..god damn it! No time management, detest such people! arghh..and tuition with Justin at night.

Thursday: Went out with Ming feng gang of people. Met him for a while cause he bought me some cookies from subway and got it from him. "Sweetttss!!" And showed him my new hairstyle! =D Felt so comfortable just to meet him for a while after meeting the gang, felt so weird, was afraid they would find it awkward with my new weird accent! Damn...wanted to swim in the morning but sky was playing a fool so I'd postponed it. It happened on Monday as well! Arghh..

Friday: Went school to collect graduation gown, kinda big in size and ugly (I thought) and went swimming with dad and bro after that, pool was bloody crowded! totally hate it when pool's so crowded with people!
Was kinda forced by mum to meet Keane and his friends to pub.. after aunt's birthday celebration on Labour day. This was the 1st time my mum's eagerness forced me to pub! to meet her friend's son! Arghh!! Initially, he didn't want to follow me, he doesn't like such situation..but i guessed he was pretty worried so he was kinda pulled along by me to meet a bunch of strangers, same to me, because I only knew Keane. Arghh..he dotes on me pretty much. I drove, that's why I've gotten excuse not to drink . =) But he drank.
I thought he was kinda drunk, because he was blushed! LOL.. we went to have our supper and ..............yeap! pretty sweettzz.! *blushing*
Had some arguments with parents when I reached home! Arghh!!! *parents just don't understand at times*

Saturday: Woke up early for my tuition and went to picnic with family in the evening. Despite the cancellation of night cycling with my group of secondary school friends, I still managed to cycle with my family! woo! It's was so tiring, I was sweating thoroughly. Worst of all, I'm suffering from butt ache..crap! Arghh!

Sunday: Slacking my whole day at home, was so lazy to go anywhere. I just want to be home, to text him, to feel comfortable around with his presence, even if it's not physically. =) I'm kinda fool for now..let it be.....probably wouldn't even have the chance when I'm starting my job.

 

Looking forward to tues job interview as an associate trainer..so cool! Wooh! Anyway, i'm so going to swim again tomorrow with lesser crowd. Ballet at night.. =)
Exercise day!!

Dear readers,

I've shifted my novel to another blog, for better inconvenience to all for reading.

The blog is http://this-is-my-novel.blogspot.com

I hope you guys can leave more comments for the novel so I can know which to improve on or keep it up.

Thank you for your support.

However, I'll still be updating my personal entries in this blog. You can view them if you wish to.

Loves,

Samantha

Dear readers, I hereby apologise for the delay of continuing of my novel.

I've been too shagged to think of the story plot and have been busy these 2 days. So, I'll try my best to update really soon, do await. Thank you for your kind understanding. =D

I need inspiration for this. Have not been sleeping well these days so I'll need my full 12 hours sleep, hopefully I can focus on it in the evening.

Updates on my week:

Tuition with Justin on Tues night, was lil stressed up as his mum gave me his exam timetable for all subjects, expecting me to rush through the syallabus with him.

Mike did not wanna continue his Latin anymore as he is suffering from financial difficulties now, gotta support his family now, Wow, a real man already. So my dad got help from my Latin dance instructor if he could get me a new partner. He would ask for me from another latin instructor. (On Wed)

Went for interview and no success in it, as I don't like this job, did not have much prospects as well, a telemarketer on thurs.

Went out with Sham and Eveleen on thurs to chill out and we went to catch this movie, "The International". I just don't like the whole story plot, kinda sucks. =(

Before movie, I met Mike for lunch to catch up. He felt upset when I told him I was considering Australia to settle down, he disapproved.
Like I've said, it all depends. If there is a strong Pull factor, I'll probably dispose the idea. =)

Went out with Bella yesterday (Fri) to catch another movie, "Shinjuku Incident". Darn.. I don't wish to explain the gore and bloody scenes. I just felt uncomfortable and disturbed during and After the movie! It's kinda disgusting. Initially, I was having a lil flu but was getting worse during the movie, felt so sick! I was holding on tightly to my sweats as if I'm watching a horror movie. Oh god!

Lucky thing was, I went home to fetch my car, parents were not in town. So 'he' came over, and I drove him back home to change before we headed out to downtown East to catch ANOTHER movie, "Taken". Not a bad choice though, so long as it's with him. Arghh.. "lovesick"!  =P
Sweetest stuff could have never happen in life before occurred just approximately an hour and a half ago. He shocked me as well!  *Melted*
=DDD

Anyway, I'll be tutoring Justin again in the morning and gotta rest more to focus on my novel. If I'm way too energetic, I'll probably be updating 2 chapters. =D
 

We've cleared our misunderstanding, which I thought was good and felt so much better, relieved.

Now that I've understand and know what is on his mind, and how he felt.

He's not a bad guy afterall, just that he doesn't know when and how to convey the proper message at times.

You can't be possibly be too nice to EVERY SINGLE girls right??
It's something you should not do, you need to differentiate, prioritise, my dear!

We've agreed that we'll just let nature takes its course.. we'll see, what can fate do or undo to us..
We'll wait, to wish for any miracle that will happen to us..
I'll just wish for the better..

Nothing has changed, we'll stay as what we are..

But if I can't wait any longer, I'll let go..
I promise I'll try..
I meant to not force anything, just to be natural..
Till that day when my heart is dreadfully tearing me apart, then I'll let you go..

Yes, you are right, I'm going to Perth for my studies, but that'll only be for 6 months..
I'll come back after 6 months..
On my mind, Perth is going to be my stepping stone to check out if Australia's going to be a suitable and way better country compared to Singapore. And if it is, I'll probably be settling down there.

Despite the fact that I want to settle down over there, I seriously wish that there will be a pull factor for me to come back here. (Not to mention about my parents)

Sometimes, I really wish I'm a vampire, don't have to sleep and can run much faster than a Volvo.
I really wanna run away, as far as possible, to a far far away country, like how Edward did.
I don't mean running away from my problems, but to run away from this miserable place, to start afresh on my own in a new place, with new people around. It just hurts every single moment I'm here..with way too many hurtful pasts in here..

I've done my swim, it's so fulfilling.. 20 small laps in 10 mins! Wow!! Impressed with myself, broken my own record!
Have dropped a tuition assignment due to the unavailability to schedule my time with the students.

Have sent resume to various companies but poor response to it, especially at this point of time (recession).
I'll just keep trying, to find a full time 5-day job with a minimum pay of $2K, so that I can save up for my school fees!
Jiayous to both of us..*God, please do something! Thanks!*     =)

Probably some of you guys have already know what's going on around here but some are still curious..

It's my personal affairs again..

Emptiness starts building up in here again..my heart.. being crushed like no one's business..

Not only emptiness, heart ache as well..trying to push it all out..not allowing it to affect my mind but to no avail.

I've quit my job..emotions start to mess around in my head.
My parents have always been objecting of my job, with no perspectives..

Thanks to Xian, you've cleared my mind once and for all..to listen and guide me where to go and what to do..
Now that I've quit..I'm sober, out of the pool of a trickery qualified..

I'll explain my situation right now..can you just imagine yourself..(for females)

In your own yacht alone, trying to get out to somewhere to relax from your everyday lives..probably in the international waters..

And you just happened to meet some pirates and they brought you to their ship..
Forget about losing all your money..you've lost all of them..
Not only that, You've lost your body to them as well..
Before they throw you back to your own yacht..

Now the question is, how would you feel?!
If your answer is way more than explaination, that'll probably explain how I'm feeling right now..Especially yesterday when the peak was exposed..

I'd almost lost my top, so I've decided to confide to Xian..and she explained..

He's just merely using you..yeah..probably he's just nice as well..but he denied answering for his actions after what he'd done..
"Responding to me?!!" That was what he said..after so much..
Even if you're nice, if you don't like her, will you still play or probably FLIRT around with her?!
Hell No! He knew me..what I've felt..So he'd took advantage of it.
Not to mention professionalism, I can't face him..especially a qualified cheater, an expert..it'll affect me..

Are all salespeople like that? way too eloquent to use your tip-top skills to target your victims?
Is this how it should be like? I don't know if whoever you trained will be your victim, I admit I WAS...but I'm NOT going to be the one anymore.

Probably you should reflect on your own actions of treating your "victims", please don't target another..
And stop your theory of powered by dreams, not Emotions..
Yeah, I've failed in this.. but I'll improve on it..definitely have grown after this BAD experience!

Sometimes, we don't want to be controlled by our own emotions, not until when someone led them the wrong way! So don't you be the one to be leading the wrong route!

Anyway, thanks for all the knowledge and experience provided, thanks!

Do you know how I'm feeling now? Wandering and lost in a jungle and being rescued by a hunter?

Could you understand?

Not only the emptiness has been captured in my heart but also some ache intruding in as well, squeezing its way right through just to get some space for itself!

I don't even know how these feelings come about, I might sound crazy to you but that's not the way I'm thinking.

Yes, I do know that I don't want to jump in to a deep hole right in front of me..I'm mentally conscious about this but my body doesn't seem to cooperate with my mind. I have jumped into that hole already..without any permission of mine.

Please..stop mentioning what I am to you.. Yes! I know What I am to you..
Don't you know that consistently mentioning it to me will break my heart even further? Aching even worse?

Yes, I do know what you want..
And we are on different routes..probably, i guess so!

You'll probably know how I feel for you but yes, I know it's kinda rush..it's ok..nevermind.
The only solution which will be best for both would be..

I'll leave you..

Don't hook a fish and throw it back into the ocean after you've hooked it!

That is what I meant..you don't have the intention to, so don't provide false hope for that person.

It's tearing me apart into pieces! I'm suffering..

I really don't want to be hurt again and again for no such reason, especially like this case!

You've continued to mention over and over again, but you're giving me false hope and i've jumped into a hole which is going deeper and deeper! This doesn't makes sense!

Someone please throw a thick and strong rope down to pull me up! Please.

However, whenever I looked at him, my heart starts thumping very fast..
Could anyone teach me how can I control my heart beating? Can turning into a vampire help?

Oh god!

Went to Keane's 21st birthday bash and was sabotaged by the emcee TWICE to go up stage! Damn it..a pretty huge crowd but seems like I'm the only one attending the party! He invited me to Butter Factory with them..but I'm too mentally blocked by certain issues.

Don't worry..I'll not mention it again and I'll leave..

Hey, can't write too many sensitive issues in here, just introduced a cheeky and corky colleague cum trainer of mine to read my blog! =P

Right, have been through lots and lots of trainings in Dreamworks under my trainer, Mr Corky Jimmy Lee!!! *Round of applause*

Beginning to feel kinda shagged already, are sales always like that? Oh god.

Standing almost whole day out there to solicit people to do charity? What do you think when you can't even handle a sale? It would be real bad and there goes your commission right?

I wouldn't say too difficult or too easy, it just depends.. lots of variable factors to be taken care of.

But being accompanied with very nice and friendly and spastic people around.. =P

It would be real fun! But can you imagine it's easy to be trained by someone but it's not easy when you're facing a real funny and spastic guy like Mr. Lee..?!!!! =PPP

I've been bothered so much by my tuition schedules, now it's totally ruining my job! Damn.

I'll need to decide first and fast before my school starts.

Now, to this little guy of mine..
You're real cute and sweet and nice! =D
You're trying to change my mentality already.. I'm supposed to be looking for a caucasian boyfriend..
Oh god, you appeared and there you are, turning my focus back to you..where's my focus now?
I don't know! My head is spinning, whenever I see you, my heart thumps fast enough to allow me to feel it.
I kept forcing myself not to be led into this situation, especially when I don't want it to be ended like my precious r/s?
But I just can't stop thinking of you..
You're like my soul mate (not too confident of it)
Oh god..help me.. please don't allow me to fall further, I don't want to be hurt again....